I'm at a friends party here in Tallahassee. It's got a keg and beer pong and I've had three kinds of liquor. I'm drinking water and chilling solo on the trampoline (yes, there's a trampoline ) trying to sober up and I realize; I'm too old for this shit. *sigh*
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I'm still working at the performing arts center. Still living in Tallahassee. Not going to cosmetology school anymore.
Basically, I realized I wanted to go because it would be easy, quick, and would get me a job. Not exactly the dream I had laid out for myself years ago, but that should work, right?
Truth is, I don't give a shit about hair styling. I like hair, I like wigs, I like being a sissy homosexual, so I figured all of those things would go hand in hand. Wrong.
If I go to cosmetology school, I'm just going to lose interest and flunk out, losing myself loads of money in the process. My heart wouldn't be in it and I would be back at square one with nothing to show for it.
So I had to think long and hard about what it is I want to do for the rest of my life.
Perform. In a perfect world, I would perform. Even if I only got 20,000 a year from performing, that, to me, would be an accomplishment. I want to act. It's been my passion since day one and somewhere along the line I told myself that I wasn't good enough. I told myself that a dream to be on television was unrealistic and that I should find something more achievable.
I'll never know unless I try.
My dad was a stand-up comedian and an actor. He worked as one for 20 years. The only problem was his location. He lived in Jacksonville, Florida, with a wife, a step-daughter, and two small children. His agent and all of his comedy friends all BEGGED him to move to LA, but he never did.
I see my dad and I see regret. Sure, he loves us and he's happy with the way things turned out, but I know he never truly followed his dream.
Insert me; 23 years old and no plans to have children. My traits include a lack of direction and a envy complex for anyone my age or younger who has accomplished more than I have. I'm 6 credits short of an Associates in Arts Degree and I haven't been in a play in over 5 years.
When I was 18, I felt like I could do anything. I had it mapped out. I had been in a show consistently for about four years. I was going to audition for NYU and obviously get in, blow everyone away with my amazing skills, and become a huge star on Broadway, winning a Tony Award a year after graduation.
It's taken me five years to get my head out of my ass and realize that dream is full of shit. 18 year old Alex, even if he had a 3.0 GPA and soaring reviews (he did not), New York City would have eaten him alive. He would have copped an attitude with the wrong person in charge and been blacklisted by the university. He would have flunked out and moved back to Jacksonville. He would have missed out on all the important things he learned from staying in Jacksonville in the first place.
Now he's 23 and living in Tallahassee, a college town with not much to do unless you're into drinking cheap beer and eating terrible food. He's tried it all, photographer, fashion designer, teacher, writer, makeup artist, singer, painter, and somehow he hasn't found anything that sticks. He's 6 credits short of an Associate in Arts Degree and he hasn't been in a play in over 5 years.
He remembers a time when being an actor was the only thing he wanted to be. When learning lines and rehearsal and voice work and blocking were his biggest passions.
So here we are. I work a full time job and still end up broke two days after payday. I have a car that runs and a boyfriend who loves me. I have a pretty nice apartment and a sweet cat. Wheres the dream?
I auditioned for a show on Friday, Avenue Q. I feel like I completely aced it, but you never truly do know. I'm auditioning for Hairspray tonight at this other community theater. It's time to start acting again. I've developed myself a "get your shit together plan".
1. Start doing community theater, A LOT.
2. Finish your A.A.
3. Audition for five or more BFA Acting programs across the country.
4. Get accepted into at least one of them and move out of Florida.
6. Move to L.A. and start acting.
It makes it look so easy put in a neat little six step list. It won't be. It'll be grueling and difficult and I might even want to quit at one point. I'm not going to. I either do this or spend the rest of my life wondering why the fuck I didn't even try.
18 year old Alex wasn't mature enough to handle this dream. 23 year old Alex is. It's game time.
i sewed myself a sweater for the upcoming fall-in-florida breezes
ive actually been sewing like a mad woman
i made a twelve look collection.
you'll be seeing more of that
to cap it all off, i did a cover of a britney song
It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools.
RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh (top)
RIP Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase (middle)
RIP Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. (bottom)
REBLOG to spread a message of love, unity and peace.
i wrote this song for/about my brother neil. he's a hero.
because i'm a real ass lady.
lyrics and music by this dirty mother fucker named alex.
love means never having to say you're sorry, double down.